I descend the stairs to the pits of hell again,

Allowing my own demons to consume me

As I reach my hand into the fire to save you

Even if it means I die

I will always try to be your knight

Your savior

This is true love

This is unconditional love

Your pain eats me raw

I let it tear into my flesh

In hopes it lessens for you

I am masochistic

In my attempt to save

Allowing for your agony to devour me

Every call, meeting contains the same thing

Yet, I go back again and again willingly

I act as a hero, martyr

But in truth I am just a desperate soul

Doing anything I can think of

To protect you from the world,

From yourself,

I always feel like I fail

Ultimately,

My love for you will destroy us both.

Time is defined by the moments you are not there

I wander the streets in hopes to glimpse you

a never-ending search for one second with you

Making silly deals with myself

Gambles on flipped coins, flower petals,

on whether I’ll see you

Whether I have the courage

to talk to you,

give you my number,

to make this last longer with you.

I drift upon these waves of emotions,

Waiting,

For you to notice me,

I am a distant shadow in your world,

but you consume mine,

I get lost in your eyes,

They hold the universe,

They take me to Neverland,

Second star on the right,

Your smile is a supernova,

a rainbow kaleidoscope,

A light in my world,

I wonder if you’ll ever notice me,

I make small attempts,

meaningless chitchat,

in hopes that I stick out in your mind,

One day,

Maybe, just maybe,

you will ask me,

and I will smile,

“Yes, dinner sounds fine.”

I have become incredibly obsessed with this song.

As I free-fall into the ocean.

Today, I walked by a glass case of t-shirts hung up with clumsily hand-written messages. It was in support of “Take Back the Night.” It’s to raise awareness and speak out against sexual abuse. I read each shirt carefully, taking in each message. It brings it back. I feel raw and angry. I stopped seeing my therapist because our allotted amount of sessions allowed ran out. I had taken the first step by talking to one of the universities therapists. Now, I am dangling with nothing. The therapist had referred me to another one but I haven’t called yet. I don’t know why. I use the excuse that I don’t know if my finances will allow it but it’s more because I’m scared. I have a tendency to unconsciously run away from my problems. Lately, I have been unmotivated. I am raw with emotions. Angry, sad, depressed but mostly lonely. I feel alone. I have friends but I don’t connect with them on a deeper level. It doesn’t necessarily feel superficial but none of them really know me. I am frustrated. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.  I say that line all the time. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.” I’m making it day-by-day. I’ve gained 15 pounds because I just eat and eat and eat. I never get out to work out because I have no-one to go out with. I would play tennis or racquetball but you need a second person for that. So, it comes to jogging. Which, I do sometimes but most of the time I don’t even leave my room. It feels like this invisible barrier prevents me from leaving. I either hide in my room or I am elsewhere, like the university library, work, or anywhere I can escape. I don’t feel welcome in that house. I avoid going into the kitchen and living room as much as possible. I try to keep out of my roommates way. I don’t think my roommates like me very much. But they haven’t even tried to get to know me. So I hide and I eat because I don’t know what else to do. Food doesn’t even make me feel better. I just can’t help myself. It’s like a temporary fix of trying to fill an empty void but all it is doing is making me feel worse about myself. Mainly, because I’m getting pudgy since I’m not exercising regularly. What is wrong with me? So, now I just feel worse about myself because my body image is slowly being killed. My self-esteem is depleting like helium from a balloon and I am spiraling down. Down into a black hole. So, what do I do? I don’t know. I am taking small steps against it. I am going to move out so I don’t feel trapped. But I feel like such a coward. I always feel like a coward. I can’t concentrate, I can’t do homework. The worst part is that I know I am just whining. And I hate myself for it. What do I have to complain about? Over and over I ask “What is wrong with me?” but I take it day-by-day and move forward. I don’t know what else to do. My therapist said it was because I was resilient and strong but I think it’s because I don’t know what else to do.